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| Photo by Jake Peterson on Unsplash |
Long time no see! Back and ready for action--I don't know. Maybe not really just because I don't know how often I will post but here's today's post anyway! Enjoy!
DISCLAIMER: (Anyone who knows the meaner side of me is gonna be like, “Really? YOU’RE posting this? After all the times—“ Blah, blah, blah, yes, I am.) PLEASE, excuse any writing errors. When I write like this, which gives me PURE JOY, which is why I do my best to do it without caring what anybody else thinks (REALLY hard for me to do, by the way—totally faking it till I make it when I post my writing), I just want to get all of my thoughts out as quickly as possibly and as accurately as possible (It’s just not the same sometimes when you can—yes, technically—get the same idea out but not with the same words you originally imagined using to get them out.) and with as much enjoyment as possible. There are not many areas in my life where I can let my anxiety and perfectionism go, and writing is one of the areas I can—at least as far as proofreading is concerned—so I let it be about fun and no hard work so that I don’t set up obstacles to (CAN’T FIND THE RIGHT WORD, UGH) deter(?) me from doing it, meaning I do not proofread my writing. I REFUSE to do so. If I ever get rich, maybe I’ll pay someone to do it [Maybe Jordan—she might have fun telling me what I did wrong to get back at me for all the years I did (do😳) it to her, so what better way to let her get even than paying her to do it to me???], but until then, I. Am. Not. Y’all will know what I mean anyway. That’s also part of why you shouldn’t correct the way Black people talk and write and tell them they’re wrong or sound unintelligent—besides the countless other, more important reasons why you shouldn’t do it. “Tone policing,” look it up, and learn. It’s rooted in racism REGARDLESS of your intentions. Remember: Impact > intentions You know, the cliches about it’s not what you say but how you say it and how you make people feel—exactly that.
I feel like this is such a weird and random thing to post (Probably not—I’m probably just overthinking it.), but I had a dream yesterday afternoon, and I just keep wanting to think about it and talk about it over and over because it was just so good. It was so short, but it was so good.
I had a dream I had a baby (🥺), and it was a day or two after he was born [Boo (jk), I wanted a girl first, butIknowI’mgonnabehappywithwhateverIgetblahblahblah 🙄], and I was visiting my PARENTS (My dad was still alive.❤️) and my siblings at our old house (Yes, it was still in bad shape—sorry, Momma.), and the WEIRDEST (to most people) part felt so good: I was hand expressing drops of colostrum because I was having trouble getting him to latch (Work is rubbing off on me, but what a cool thing to have rub off into your dreams from work.), and I just started happy crying in the dream that I was getting drops of colostrum a) because I had a surreal moment when I remembered how long I’ve been wanting exactly that for so long that the sight of drops of colostrum was so meaningful and b) I know milk supply in the first couple days is so different from person to person and I felt so fortunate to have such a good supply so early, especially considering how much trouble I was having positioning and latching him (more realistic things about breastfeeding from work rubbing off into my dream), and I sent a picture to Aaron because he was God-knows-where while I was visiting (hopefully, at work and not on his computer🙄) and I was just so excited. And then the less glamorous follow-up to that scene was that I searched the house for medicine cups, spoons, and 3 mL syringes to feed the colostrum to my baby after hand expressing it.😂
I’m not stupid enough to think breastfeeding will be easy just because I will have so much training about it by the time I have kids, but I do feel so fortunate to be going in to having kids with so much knowledge about all the options to getting my future children breastfed. And I just can’t wait until it’s my turn to have kids. I’ve been waiting for so long—by choice, which doesn’t mean it’s easy to wait just because I’ve chosen to—but it’s going to be so amazing when I do.
I know I’m gonna screw up my kids. For God’s sake, if my mom could “screw us up,” EVERYBODY will screw up their kids to some degree. The difference is how you proceed time after time when you screw up, and I don’t give my mom enough credit because I haven’t had enough therapy (if only my current dream therapist would return my e-mails…), but she’s proceeded fabulously after any screw-ups. I mean, look at us—all of us. Not just us biological kids but our bonus siblings as well. If that’s not a testament to how well she’s proceeded after screwing up (AKA not being perfect every single second of every single interaction with your kid because that’s so realistic /sarcasm), then I don’t know what it is. All of that to toot my own horn and say, I know I’m going to screw up with my future kids A LOT, but I also know I’m gonna be a damn good mom. I’m still gonna freak out tomorrow or an hour from now and wonder if I really will be able to handle it or not (Will I be able to handle it? Yes. Will I get 8 hours of sleep every night exactly when I need to and get everybody everywhere on time and feel rested all the time and take care of my body and my children’s bodies perfectly everyday? No. Ugh (which really does still bother me already lol). But I know I’m gonna be a damn good Momma because I honestly learned from the best. Even if she didn’t do everything perfectly for us every time she interacted with us, she shaped our minds, which led us to the places it did to make the decisions for our futures and goals, even if we don’t achieve them all exactly the way we think we want to. She is helping us to become the awesome parents we can all be if we choose to be parents.❤️ I don’t say it enough because I’m wired a little fault-ily, but I love you, Momma. Even when I feel a blackout rage at you (Sorry—I’m playing the “wired fault-ily” card again.), I still wouldn’t trade you for another Momma or even to have Daddy alive and not because I think you deserve to suffer more than him because I know sometimes you think I think those things!! I seriously have not ever for a millisecond wished you could have died instead of Daddy—never. Probably a weird thing for some of you to read but I know she needs to hear it, and I express myself best in this format. If anything, I’ve just wished for a little more space, and that’s seriously not your fault. If anything, it’s mine for never clearly and respectfully communicating that to you because the truth is, when I get upset, I don’t even know what I want yet (Go figure.)—at least not until after I get upset and blow up (Healthy, right?🙃).
This sappy post and probably that dream brought to you by my watching A Million Little Things [Seriously—it just (as of this week) passed up Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice as my favorite TV show.❤️] and This Is Us (probably a close second favorite also past Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice)—speaking of Private Practice, I saw an Easter egg of an actor with a smaller role on Private Practice in A Million Little Things. There may have been more actors than just him, actually, but one that sticks out! Have a scavenger hunt figuring out which character I mean. It stumped me, by the way. I don’t always figure these things out right away, but I usually can think of it on my own at least within a week but usually the same day but I had to use Google for this actor/character.
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