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Everything. Or maybe not a lot but just so intensely it feels like a lot. Two main things bothering me right now about this week: Skills check-off for nursing school and my surgical consult this week (Yeah, I need surgery.). Check-offs bother everyone in nursing school, and I really dislike check-offs because it’s hands-on, not theory. I like theory—obviously, I’ve got four degrees and plan to go back to school for at least five more degrees (Master’s this time! But maybe also some more Bachelor’s later.). I dislike that I’m going to mess up. That fear paralyzes me, and I cope with overwhelm by avoidance already as it is. I feel as if I don’t know where to start, so I don’t start until I absolutely have no choice but to do so—for example, if I’m standing at a station to practice at school in a room of teachers and other students practicing. I can only stand there doing nothing for so long. I am hyperaware of how awkward I appear at every moment in public. Another strategy I use to avoi

Today, I don’t feel well. I feel antsy. I feel scared. I feel stressed. I feel overwhelmed, and all of this makes me feel a quiet rage. I feel like something inside of me is simmering with anger. I have so much to do and so much I even want to do, but it all feels like too much, so I don’t want to do anything. I just want to rot in bed. I want to just lie there and do whatever and nothing all at the same time. School starts again soon, and I’m supposed to graduate this semester, but I keep convincing myself that something will happen to stop me—that stupid pharmacology test, check offs, just not being fit to be a nurse and not being able to handle twelve hour shifts and precepting. Then, I convince myself that if I don’t fail, I’ll just die in surgery anyway. Yeah, I need surgery. Why do I have to find things to be anxious about? Why can’t I just relax and have faith? I’m on medicine for my anxiety. Isn’t it supposed to go away? I know that’s not how it works. It just takes the edge of

Image by Gerhard G.  from Pixabay I can’t believe today is 2021. The year itself sounds so futuristic like it is out of my lifetime, but it’s only twenty-seven years after the year I was born.(-: The year I’m supposed to graduate with my fourth college degree, the one I will finally get a career with—at least for a little while. Time for me to be a real adult and get a job and support myself and continue figuring out the rest of this life. Get closer and closer to living out my dreams—marrying Aaron, having kids with him, five or six more degrees (all Master’s and a Doctorate or two), traveling, changing this world to make it a better place for ALL.   But the point of this post is to reflect on 2020 from my point of view. I feel privileged and honestly ashamed to admit that this year has not been very hard for me—a mix of being introverted and also probably not following stay at home orders as much as I should have. Switching to virtual classes was heaven-sent for me. I love drivin