Reminder to Self and Reminder to You

Be brave. Do it scared. Refer to the sections “Scary, Scary, Scary” (page 12), “Defending Your Weakness” (page 16), “Fear Is Boring” (page 19), “The Fear You Need and the Fear You Don’t Need” (page 22), and “The Road Trip” (page 24) in Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert

I Don’t Know If I Want To Be a Nurse, But I’ve Got To Do Something

Yep. You’ve read that right. I don’t know if I want to be a nurse. But I have to do something. I don’t know if I want to work twelve plus hours two or three days in a row with only two or three days in between for only $3,000 a month after taxes, retirement, and benefits have been taken out. I don’t know if I want to be abused by patients, coworkers, and doctors. I don’t know if I want the laws of my work and the decision of whether I go to jail or can ever be a nurse again for a mistake to be made by someone who’s never worked as a nurse in a hospital for a day in their life. I don’t know if I want to miss significant amounts of time with my partner, children, family, or friends to make sure your partner, children, family, or friends stay alive, or as it relates to our current situation, I don’t know if I want to endanger my own, my partner, my children, my family, or my friends’ lives trying to save the life of you, your partner, your children, your family, or friends. I want to help you but not at the expense of my quality of life. Do I have a passion for improving the lives of people as it relates from a health standpoint? Absolutely. Do I enjoy learning about the science of the human body and mind? Absolutely. But do I want to lose myself in the service of others? No. I don’t want to lose myself for anything. I can’t help if I can’t function. Hurting me doesn’t help you or anyone. There are so many times people talk about taking care of yourself and use the example of people on airplanes instructing passengers to fasten their own oxygen masks before helping others, and it’s true, and it’s relevant here. I want to help so much. But again, not at the expense of myself, and that aspect of nursing scares me so much. So much that at least once a week, I probably think about leaving the profession before I even get there, and most times, the only thing that stops me from leaving is the fact that I have three degrees and only a month and a half of ever working and $30,000+ in debt to show for it. The fastest way for me to get a secure, good paying, quality (?) job is to finish this nursing degree and work as a nurse until I can figure out some other way to support myself and my dreams and my goals financially. I am scared of clinicals. I am scared of precepting. I am scared of my future job. But part of what keeps me here and keeps me hopeful of a future for me in nursing is finding out what it’s like to work as a registered nurse on a hospital floor and then become an advocate for improving the quality of nursing as a career. Lower the nursing shortage by finding a way to keep nurses satisfied with the profession. Find ways to lower the stress for nurses so that they can enjoy the career they dreamed of.

What would I do if my finances were taken care of? If everything I needed and wanted were taken care of? I would start having babies and raise my kids. I would stay home with them and care for them. I would play with them. I would read with them. I would bring them to school. I would bring them home from school. I would help them with homework. I would attend school events for them. I would take them places with me. If I weren’t so socially incompetent, I would homeschool my kids, but that is beyond my scope of practice. I literally would have no friends if it weren’t for school and family friends. I would run a grocery delivery service. I would budget people’s personal finances (As of right now, businesses overwhelm me.). I would assemble people’s furniture (seriously). I would teach other people’s children. I would care of other people’s children like my own. I would share my story with the world. I would pay someone else to clean my home. Yes, even if I were home all day with my kids. My dream job is being a full-time parent, but you don’t get paid seven figures to do that. You don’t get paid six figures or even five figures for that, and it’s probably a struggle to get paid four figures for that (welfare). I won’t make seven figures being a nurse either, and I will struggle to make six figures as a nurse unless I get an advanced degree, which as of right now before I even know if I really, really want to stay in this profession, I do want advanced degrees in nursing. Are you surprised?

But really, I am scared sh*tless to become a nurse, and I’m a year away. What have I gotten myself into? I should have stuck with teaching!!!! Or knowing me, I’d freak out about why I wouldn’t want to do that either as I got closer to doing it. So maybe this freak out is more because I’m closer to doing something else I’ve never done, and I don’t like new. I don’t like different. Or maybe, yet again, I’ve chosen the wrong career. We’ll see in a couple years!!!!!!


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