Today, I don’t feel well. I feel antsy. I feel scared.
I feel stressed. I feel overwhelmed, and all of this makes me feel a quiet
rage. I feel like something inside of me is simmering with anger. I have so
much to do and so much I even want to do, but it all feels like too much, so I
don’t want to do anything. I just want to rot in bed. I want to just lie there
and do whatever and nothing all at the same time. School starts again soon, and
I’m supposed to graduate this semester, but I keep convincing myself that
something will happen to stop me—that stupid pharmacology test, check offs,
just not being fit to be a nurse and not being able to handle twelve hour
shifts and precepting. Then, I convince myself that if I don’t fail, I’ll just
die in surgery anyway. Yeah, I need surgery. Why do I have to find things to be
anxious about? Why can’t I just relax and have faith? I’m on medicine for my anxiety.
Isn’t it supposed to go away? I know that’s not how it works. It just takes the
edge off, which is much needed and greatly appreciated. Maybe I need to go back
to therapy. Ugh. I just need to slow down. If I could allow myself to slow
down, I think I would be fine because I feel like I’m constantly jumping from
one thing to the next. Part of it is because I want to, and then the other part
is because I put things off for so long that I end up not having a choice. My
anxiety feels like a snow globe sometimes. I’m constantly running around or
shaking it up, and when it gets still and settles, I panic. There’s discomfort
that I still can’t stand to sit with when my room is still a mess or I’m still
behind on studying or the laundry is piling up and I can’t find clothes
anymore. It feels like there’s never enough time to do all the things I want to
do and need to do. I think I said that already. And I’m such an extreme person.
I don’t know how to balance things. I don’t know how to find a happy medium. I
either do, do, do, do, do, or I do nothing. I’ve heard somebody describe
anxiety as waking up with a knot in your stomach, and you have no idea why. That
hit the nail on the head for me. It almost made me feel that knot again just to
hear it being described that way—but in a good way, like finally, someone else
gets it!! I’m sure lots of people get it. But what’s even worse than feeling
that knot in your stomach is not only not knowing why but trying to figure out
possible reasons why because then, you just remind yourself of things to worry
about, so in trying to decode your anxiety in hopes of alleviating it, you give
yourself more anxiety. We love a vicious cycle. And then, you can feel totally
normal feelings like hunger, and it feels so close to that anxiety knot that
you start again: “Oh, God, what am I worried about now?” And again, you give
yourself anxiety, and it feels too good to be true to exist without that
feeling that when you don’t, you go, “Am I anxious right now? What could be
making me anxious?” And guess what? You give yourself anxiety. Eventually, you
feel like there’s something wrong with you if you don’t feel anxious, and you
go over that wonderful list of things that should be making you anxious and
alas, anxiety. See what I mean about a vicious cycle? I’m just saying the same
thing over and over, but it feels different each time. Different beginning,
same end. Wish I had a lot of money so that all I didn’t have to worry about
making ends meet, and I could just have babies and be done. Guess it’s time to
go sit with my discomfort. Let’s see how long that lasts.
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