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| (Source: Michaela Hebert, edited using VSCO for iOS) |
I’m going to do a naughty-naughty according to The Writing
Cooperative, which is setting a reasonable BUT not well-defined goal. My goal
is to write every week. The most specific I feel like I can get is to write a
blog post every week. Still, a blog post is not a very well-defined thing. A
blog post can be of any type of writing. I like reflective/journal-like
writing, so maybe my well-defined goal would be to write a journal every week.
To me, journals are still poorly defined but oh well, I guess. I’m going to
write whatever I want every week for fifty-two weeks. Tongue-sticking-out
Emoji.
What do I want to write about tonight? Well, let’s start the
way I do my hand-written journals. In fact, I will start this post by typing up
what I started writing in my journal since what I wrote there was intended to
be part of the writing challenge. Then, I will continue from where I left off
in writing.
“Sunday, July 16, 2017 11:06p
My hand hurts probably from adding 466 songs to a playlist
on Spotify. It hurts so much less holding my pen the way I am, but it’s hard
and awkward to write like this, and I feel like you can see it from my
handwriting.
Break to take my medicine and get my laptop…”
My hand hurts so much more now that I’m typing instead of
holding my pen and writing awkwardly, but it’s so much faster to type than
handwrite for me and probably most people. I planned on going to bed around
9:30—10:00 at the latest—and it’s now 11:22 P.M., so I’m looking for quickest
and hoping I don’t hurt my hand too badly in the process.
Weekly writing was already my goal in starting my blog. I
wanted to post every Wednesday. I haven’t decided if this writing challenge
will mean possibly posting more than once a week or just putting a pause on my planned
posts for the next fifty-two weeks as I write (and post!!!) each week. I
wouldn’t necessarily consider ensuring a blog post is up every week as part of
the challenge because some (Honestly, not many at all so what am I so worried
about?) of my posts are already written as opposed to planned topics that I
need to expand upon. To me, this challenge means taking time each week to
write—however long it ends up. Suggestions on The Writing Cooperative’s post
range from a haiku to five-hundred words.
I’ve already written quite a bit it seems, but I did want to
write a little more: how productive the end of my day has been and how that
differs from lately, my plans for tomorrow and how they changed (a little) in
less than twelve hours.
I think I will write about those additional topics anyway.
The current word count is 521, which sounds like a good stopping point, but
shhhh, I want to write more.
Okay! Today! It started off slow like the past few days.
Weekends are usually slower paced for me anyway with my dad home because I like
to spend time with him while he has more time home. But I had gotten some
energy back after switching medicine for my anxiety (for the third time since
2015), and now, it’s starting to feel like it’s going away again. It has me
nervous that it’s time to switch my medicine again but also I skipped one night
of medicine and took a couple nights’ (including tonight’s) way later than
usual. Who knew taking your medicine around the same time each day (like
suggested) actually makes a difference? Who knew the people who spend so much time
and money learning about the human body and medicine knew what they were
talking about when they suggest taking your medicine at the same time each day?
To borrow words from the artist P!nk, “Who knew?”
Okay, so my energy is slowing down and may just require
getting back to a normal medicine schedule and actually taking my medicine and
maybe—maybe—even establishing a daily schedule—and sticking to it—in general.
Also—I often have revelations that makes SO much sense as I’m writing—my energy
may be tapering off lately because I’m on my period.(-: For those of you who
don’t know and/or could not tell by my usage of it, I use the “(-:” smiley
ironically. Speaking of my period (because I’m a feminist and want to remind
everyone that periods are natural and not disgusting and not taboo to discuss
and will talk about it until it becomes normal and comfortable to do), since I
started having sex (January, baby, AKA not very long), my period has come two
weeks early twice. I have been spotty with my birth control pills, so I was
like, “AH, OMG, I’M PREGNANT,” and actually spur of the moment showed up to my
primary care physician’s (PCP) office for a pregnancy test (I’m so silly.). But
being spotty with my birth control means that my period could have come early
for two reasons: I got pregnant from lack of contraception, OR because of my
irregular dose of hormones, my period started early. This second time, I wasn’t
spotty with my birth control. I actually accidentally skipped my medicine the
night that my period started early this week, BUT I started cramping BEFORE I
skipped my medicine. I thought the cramps were originally a result of the food
I ate that day, but later that night (after I skipped my medicine but only
two-three hours after, I started bleeding and was like, “Oh, yeah, that was the
cramping, okay,” and then, “Wait—what the heck? Why two weeks early? Again??”
And I know those cramps that felt so debilitating to me were nothing compared
to what other people get, but I felt like doing absolutely nothing, which yes,
I get that feeling even without cramps from my period, but this was
different—like, I was too uncomfortable to do anything that made me even
mentally uncomfortable. And that is why/how I forgot to take my medicine. The
pain was distracting me. I actually had a second day like that this weekend.
Yesterday—I had a meal plan (Only four days planned out and I haven’t stuck to
it for reasons but I did it, woo-hoo! I made
the meal plan, which is step one.) but did not feel like cooking my planned
supper because again, I was so uncomfortable, I did not want to do anything
that made me uncomfortable either mentally or physically, which let’s face
it—cooking is both. Okay, fine, some people find it completely comfortable, but
some people, like me, don’t. Tongue-sticking-out Emoji again and a “hmph”
face—probably the steam coming out of the nose Emoji, which is more intense
than a “hmph” but steam aside looks exactly like a “hmph” face—hmph.
Blah, blah, blah, I think I’m pregnant basically and am
frustrated with birth control. Why don’t I switch from pills to a hormone-free
contraception method, such as a diaphragm? I am thinking about it to see what
my hormones are like without hormonal birth control. I should know what it’s
like because I went through most of college without birth control after having
spent most of high school on it, but I barely remember. The stress of college
and probably just growing up and life in general took the heck over. I
developed an anxiety disorder in my sophomore year (I can pinpoint the exact
moment that triggered it and thanks to past journals, the exact date.), so I
feel like all of that clouds how I was without birth control pills, and that
begs the question: Did all of my problems arise because my hormones weren’t
regulated by birth control pills? Also, is my body naturally hormonally
unbalanced without birth control pills, or is it only because I used birth
control pills in the past for so long? Dun-dun-dun—I feel like we will never
know, or if we do, it won’t be for a long time. Perhaps, I can ask the birth
control experts, AKA my gynecologist, about this since I’m due for my Pap smear
in August.
Wowee, I am talking way too much and haven’t even touched on
the second topic I intended to write about tonight. I will admit: This topic
was more fun to discuss than the latter (my plans for tomorrow). This topic
drifted off into so many other topics that were fun to write about. Maybe my
plans for tomorrow would have somehow done the same. Maybe me drifting off from
one thing to another is part of the ADD my PCP suspects I have. My therapist
suspects I have only anxiety and only signs of other disorders that are
actually also symptoms of anxiety. Hmm…
Or maybe drifting from topic to topic is simply part of
organic conversation, even if it is a conversation I’m having with myself. I
like to pretend that I have a friend listening to all this, though, as I write
it, or an audience. Talk show hosts have it made, huh? I would probably have
the most boring talk show of all-time. Not to downplay myself because that’s
sooooo 2016 (five Os for a Cobra
Starship reference) but I don’t like the idea of a script for organic
conversation, which is what I would want my talk show to showcase. I would
literally show up for filming with ideas written down at best and just talk
y’all ears off. I might pick a guest from the audience (or a few?) to come up
on stage and talk with me (or just very prettily listen to me), or maybe if I
got famous enough, famous people would want to be guests on my show to listen
to me talk. I keep saying I would (basically) force people to listen to me, but
I do like people to respond. I just feel like I can talk so much that I
wouldn’t give another person the chance to even respond. And how long would my
talk show be if I talk so much? Would I even feel fulfilled at having one, or
would I have the unsettling/unsatisfying feeling of being cut off because I
really just want to talk to people for 4589753898739874987 hours or until I
fall asleep? Ugh.
Speaking of talking a lot and possibly to the point of
making people miserable by listening to me, I am reminded of what someone said
on an Instagram video (or YouTube?)—and that someone was mentioned in my post
from last week, too. That someone is Kat/@littlebirddoula (on Instagram)/@sexpositivefemale
(on Instagram). She said that she started making YouTube videos for@sexpositivefemale because one of her friends suggested it to her since she
LIKES TO TALK SO MUCH. Guess who else likes to talk so much? ME!
Ugh, Kat seems like someone I should be friends with, and
she said in another video (Or the same video? I am a little obsessed with her,
uh-oh.) in response to a comment on the video that she finds it funny when
people online tell her that they want to meet up or be friends because she has
no friends IRL. Aww, Kat.): I have no friends either. Okay, fine. I do, but I
never feel like hanging out with them, so if you never interact with them, or
they really your friends? If they stick around when you finally do send a rogue
text or tag them in a post/comment, yes, they are. Life is just…weird. At least
at twenty-two, it’s weird. It’s definitely hard and feels like it sucks often,
but there’s some good. And I know a lot of the sucky feeling has to do with
being in a transition stage. I’ve been in school for the past seventeen years
of my life until May 2016. School has always been a constant for me. It was
annoying and too much work for my liking at times, but I could always count on
it to be there, and because of it, I knew what I was doing for nine months a
year and had goals to achieve that kept me productive and pretty motivated.
Now, school is over—or has been over—and will be until January (hopefully!!!).
I’ve been having some goals I could work on, but I had systems to keep me accountable
in school. Now, I don’t really have that. It’s really hard to keep yourself
motivated without that structure, which is probably why I need a routine, and
like school, I won’t always like it, but like school, I need to find a way to
do it anyway, even if it wasn’t always perfect. I think once I got out of
school, though, I was just so tired of that structure and feeling forced to do
things that I kind of rebelled in a sense as soon as I got out and was “so
done” that even though I had goals I wanted to accomplished, I decided to stay
in the comfort zone of doing nothing, but it won’t be comfortable for long if I
keep it up, so I’m starting to do things! Kind of slowly but that is okay.
Omg, I’ve written probably too much. This is the part where
I thank you if you stuck around until the end, right? Seriously, though, you
deserve a thank you if you read this far.(: It just seems like a cliché and
therefore disingenuous gesture since it’s said so often in blog posts, BUT like
most clichés, it’s a cliché and has stuck around for a reason (It’s true!!!!).
Thank you again.(:
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